You might think the bypass is good news. But you might be wrong.
THE NEWS THIS WEEK concerning the bypass for Thurles has been broadly welcomed, and public representatives have been falling over themselves in their efforts to take the credit. Indeed, there are unconfirmed reports that one local official has been hospitalised with a spine injury, sustained while bending over backwards to claim responsibility.
However, it is the considered opinion of The Loughtagalla Times that this is not good news at all. In fact, we are of the firm belief that this bypass will be a disaster for the town.
(I use the word “we” here, though the Times workforce can easily be numbered on one finger of one hand. But we do spend a lot of time talking to ourselves, don’t we John?
“We do, John.”
And so I will continue to use this royal “we”, not least because I don’t want to upset any of these other personalities. I know what they’re capable of.)
So yes, this new development with the bypass is what we like to call A Bad Thing.
Not necessarily for this current generation, for the simple reason that we will all be long dead before it actually happens.
But it is most certainly bad for our great-grandchildren, who will be getting their driving licenses around the time that work commences, and will have great-grandchildren of their own by the time the bypass officially opens. Ultimately I don’t know how many “greats” you’ll be putting before the grandchildren by the time the trucks are taken off the streets, but it’s a lot. For simplicity’s sake, we’ll say six generations from now, factoring in known unknowns, and unknown unknowns, to quote that psychopath from long ago.
Losing our traditions
And it is bad because one day these future generations will have no memory of our driving traditions – traditions handed down to motorists in Thurles since time immemorial.
Gridlock, for example – where a young man might grow a lovely fashionable beard for himself while trying to get from Kickham Street to the square. Or a pregnant lady sitting in traffic at the golf links might find herself an entire trimester further along by the time she finally gets to Dunnes. This tradition used to be reserved for Fridays, like eating fish, or going to the disco for your dinner. But now it’s something we get to experience every day of the week, and for our children’s children’s children’s children’s children to lose this privilege wold be unthinkable.
Likewise if we deny them the opportunity to watch an articulated truck cause bedlam on the square, or to see their new road surfaces disintegrate within months from excessive HGV traffic, and then have their own vehicles destroyed by the resulting potholes.
And do we really want phrases like these to fall out of common usage in the Cathedral town?
“The traffic in town is a disgrace!”
“It’s shocking, so it is. Pure madness.”
“Look at this lad in the lorry!”
“How does he think he’s going to get around there?”
“Should have been a bypass in Thurles years ago!”
“There was supposed to be one built in the 1840s, but then the Famine came along and traffic volume dropped dramatically for some reason, and sure then it was forgotten about.”
“Typical!”
To write gridlock out of our history is bad enough, but to lose our native language would be a travesty.
Here at Times headquarters, I think to myself…
“We think to ourselves.”
Sorry, John. Here at Times headquarters, we think to ourselves: Is this really the kind of future we want for whatever far distant generation gets to experience it?
We think not.
It is our belief that losing years of your life sitting in your car and pulling your hair out, is a fundamental human right for the Thurles motorist, and we should do all in our power to protect this right for those who come after us.
That is why we say NO! to a bypass.
And that is why we urge political representatives of all stripes and colours – even your man in traction below in the orthopaedic ward:
Please – won’t you think of the children?
CURRENT LISTENING: Chris Rea – The Road To Hell
Do we really want to tell Chris that he wrote this song about Thurles for nothing?
No, I didn’t think so.
Loughtagalla Times 
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