“I’m only disappointed there’s no mention of the guillotine.” Locals welcome controversial new driving school where medieval torture is on the curriculum.
EXCLUSIVE: The Loughtagalla Times can today reveal that a new driving school is now open in Thurles, offering a driver education experience like never seen before.
Motoring For Morons is a revolutionary concept, where the target market is the qualified motorist, as opposed to the learner driver.
We spoke to CEO Johnny MacLoughtagalla, who insists this is not a made up name.
“I didn’t make this name up five minutes ago, if that’s what you’re thinking,” said Mr MacLoughtagalla, who then quickly changed the subject and explained what he aims to do with this exciting new venture.
“We have no intention of stepping on any toes here,” he said. Indeed it should be noted that Mr MacLoughtagalla has enormous feet, and if he did step on your toes it would really hurt. We should all be glad he won’t be doing that.
“You see all the other driving instructors are working with the lads who are learning to drive and wanting to pass their test. But that’s not my game at all, at all.”
So what is his game?
“I’ll tell you what my game is. Here at Motoring For Morons, our plan is to work with the lads who have passed their test already, and think they’re great drivers altogether, but we can all see they’re not. Everyone knows who I’m talking about. The lads who think now they have the full license, the rules of the road don’t apply to them at all. You know? Morons.”
He went on to describe the kinds of driver behaviour that Motoring For Morons hopes to eradicate.
“Not using the indicators, that’s a big one. Speeding, tailgating, dangerous overtaking, and general aggressive driving. Using the mobile phone. Oh, and fixing the hair and make-up in the car. Have they no mirrors at home? “
Common courtesy on the roads will also be an important aspect of the training provided by Motoring For Morons.
“Waving someone out at a junction, and having the manners to thank the person who does. Having a bit of patience, getting out of the way of the ambulance, and not viewing cyclists and pedestrians as moving targets.”
Mr McLaoughtagalla acknowledged that getting motorists onboard voluntarily would be a challenge, but is not concerned since most of his business will come from students enrolled against their will.
“Here’s how it works. You do be driving uptown, or out for a nice stroll, minding your own business. You witness a lunatic behind the wheel, or an example of bad manners. At the safest opportunity, you call our hotline, 1850 MORON. Our crack team of enforcers will then swoop to apprehend the culprit and remove them to our secure facility, where they pose no danger to the general public.”
I put it to him that this might be illegal, but he just looked at me and smiled like that fella from Silence of the Lambs. I felt it best to just move on.
So now that the offender is in custody, what would a typical training session look like at Motoring For Morons?
“Well, it’s a one-day course. The morning session will mostly focus on torture. Punishments will vary, depending on the offence, with the most extreme methods reserved for those who park in disabled spaces. In the afternoon we’ll take them out for a bit of public flogging. Then the offenders will be left in stocks overnight on the town square, so members of the public can throw rotten cabbages at them and call them funny names.”
He explained that public humiliation is absolutely essential to student success, and is confident this short, sharp shock will be enough to turn a bad egg into a model driver.
“In most cases, the one-day course should solve any bad behaviour. In the unlikely event that we encounter a repeat offender, we do have a highly trained firing squad on standby. But we foresee that most of our students will go on to have a normal life expectancy.”
Students who successfully complete the course without dying or requiring a lengthy stay in hospital will be allowed to get back behind the wheel immediately. They will however be classified as moron drivers for a period of five years, and failure to display their M-plate will carry a severe penalty.
We asked some members of the public if they thought these methods might be a tad excessive, but most who responded were enthusiastic.
“If suffering and public humiliation worked in medieval times, they can work now,” said Jack from Bowling Green, who was on his way to the shop to stock up on vegetables for firing practice.
“It’s wonderful news!” said a man from Sean Treacy Avenue, who wished to remain anonymous. “Especially now that Thurles will never have a bypass, it’s good that someone will be out there curbing the lunacy.”
“I’m only disappointed there’s no mention of the guillotine,” said an individual who identified himself only as Personality 7. The rest of his comments cannot be published here, and we strongly suspect this person may be dangerously deranged.
Mr MacLaughtagalla, meanwhile, is adamant that his controversial new driving school will be performing a vital public service.
“Research has shown that motorists are ten times more likely to use their indicators if they’ve had all their fingernails removed with a pliers.”
We reached out to local representatives for comment. Most have ignored our request, and one has threatened to call the Guards.
Motoring For Morons is now open, and Valentine’s Day gift vouchers are currently available. The perfect present if your one true love is an absolute menace on the road.
CURRENT LISTENING: Madness – Driving In My Car
The boys in a 1959 Morris Minor convertible, which appears to have no functioning indicators. Like many cars on the road today.
Also featuring a brief cameo by fellow ska heads Fun Boy Three, thumbing a lift to Coventry. Only Madness could make the great Terry Hall smile.
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